Thursday, May 7

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Though it was too early, my Brother T called; I had texted him yesterday to see if he had time to talk.

Mainly it was about TW, sadly. Just how I'm wondering things will go at our family gathering.

There's a part of me that just feels vulnerable about seeing her in person. Which way she will try to undermine me, insult me, or just try to manipulate me into engaging with her more than I really want.

I don't know if she's going to cause a scene, call me out in some way, or just try to hurt me.

I also called the office where the therapist works yesterday, to see if she would be willing to talk on the phone. She was able to talk for half an hour, which I really appreciated.

There's not much she could do besides listen, but I appreciated that she agreed that this thing about the book that TW wants back is a ploy, and that there is no "right" answer as to whether or not to give it back to her.

Once again, too much of my day spent thinking about a person that I am trying to cut out of my life.

I did chores and such, then headed down to the basement to paint.

I got quite a lot done, and while there still needs to be a second coat, that is one step closer to getting the dropped ceiling installed (my husband says the paint should come first, though I don't know if it's that necessary).

Friend D called while I was painting, and I called her back when I was done painting.

We had a good talk, mostly about her surgery (it went well), and her new apartment, and trying to have a yard sale, and her family is coming to help her next weekend to do the yard sale and to clean out the last of the stuff in the garage.

I deliberately refrained from talking about TW, because even I am tired of that subject.

My Sweetie came home, and made supper. We sat together and chatted while we ate, and then we went outside to walk around the pasture a few times with Roxy.

I did let everyone out into their pastures for a while, Dandy and Wonder were a bit over-excited to get out.

Then my husband had to go to bed, I came in for a little while, but went back outside to work with Dandy.

I can finally use the round pen, and worked with him there, then took him back out to the larger pasture to walk with him some more.

I am trying to help him lose some weight and get into better shape. I know they don't get much exercise in their day to day corral, but they have to be in that corral because they can't be on green grass.

So, I really should be doing more work with Dandy every day (so hard in the winter) so that he gets more exercise.

I spent a bit of time trying to comb out his incredibly thick mane, but I didn't have any conditioner so that was pretty tough. I got a good start on it.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

When you find the horse book, can you mail it to her or, better yet, to someone who sees her?

How important is attending the family reunion to you? Does your spouse go with you?

[gottawonder]

I could just leave the book with other family members to give to her.

It's just so childish of her, and really I feel like I am under no obligation to return it. It was a flat out gift, and a book that I gathered that she either got from a yard sale or a library sale, and might have cost her a dollar or two, but not like she went out and thoughtfully purchases this book at great cost, or it was from her own personal collection and wanted it back.

It was such a casual and offhand item that I barely remembered it.

No, my Sweetie doesn't come home with me, as always, someone must be here to care for the animals.

The reunion is important to me. It is literally the only opportunity I would have to see many of the younger generation and their children, and if I stopped going to them I might as well just give up on having a relationship with my family at all.

I did consider just going home at another undisclosed time to visit who I could (again, it would only be a few of the older ones that I would be able to see).

I also plan on seeing our family farm, and the tree where some of Mom's ashes are spread.

[ratunderpaper]

Maybe in the future, you could hold small family gatherings at your place. You could invite the relatives you want to invite.

The more that time passes, the more I value enduring friendship. I think I have more faith in its goodness – in general – than in familial relationships.

Sometimes, there's crossover. This evening, there was a small gathering for a friend's birthday, and the sous chef was encouraged to be part of it. He fits in with many of my friends; it is a rare and delightful thing.

[gottawonder]

I extend invitations to family to come visit, but they don't.

I don't know what the deal is with our family, but they don't travel to visit anyone who is outside the "radius".

Most of my family lives in the SW corner of Manitoba, and though they will VACATION to Mexico or other parts of Canada, they don't visit here.

So, maybe I have to accept that I really don't have much of a bond with anyone. After all, I've lived "away" for about 25 years now.

What's funny, is that when we lived in Wyoming, it would have been such an opportunity for people in my family to have a relatively cheap vacation to somewhere very different from "home", as they could have stayed with us and we would have been able to drive them around and show them all the points of interest.

For all that it's not that distant from Manitoba, Wyoming is pretty different to look at, and has LOTS of interesting things like wild horses, pronghorn antelope herds right near town, it's close to the mountains and Yellowstone park, not that far from other interesting parks, fossils everywhere, cool rock formations, not that far from Salt Lake City...it would have been plenty interesting.

Where we live now has lots to see and do too, and would be just as good a place to have a vacation as anywhere.

No, they don't bother coming here.

[ratunderpaper]

Eh, it sounds like they value convenience over connection. You deserve better.

You could continue to extend invitation out of graciousness if you want to, but it doesn't sound like they understand the concept of family, kindness, rapport, or anything solid and that kind of loyalty can't be extracted.

[gottawonder]

These days, I don't expect SOME of them to come visit us, because it would be a very tiring trip, and some of them can't afford it.

That said, when one sister who always made it sound "too difficult" also went to Germany for several weeks (that was about three years ago now).

Before that, they used to vacation in Phoenix. They did that when we lived in Wyoming, so would it have been a stretch for them to spend a few days with us before heading onward?

Then there's the other truth; I don't know that I would WANT family here for a long period of time. A weekend maybe?

Some of them I think I would be happy with for longer, some I might not even be okay with for a weekend (I'm thinking of one nephew with a bunch of surly teenagers and a fairly chaotic dynamic with his wife that would NOT BE FUN to have visit).

Yes, sometimes I think I could be forgiven for thinking that they could take the initiative with visiting.

I think that they "care" in the way that we all "care" about people we grew up with, but it's a thought more than a verb.

I often go home and in this period of time, feel like I do have a family. Chaotic at times, dysfunctional at times but not outside of what many families experience, often a feeling of what comes from growing up together and knowing all the stories from our youth. I go for walks with some of them, try to create some kind of connection, something they will remember me for, and I feel something that could be connection.

Then, I pretty much don't hear from most of them the rest of the year.

Those that live in Manitoba do get together a fair amount. There are one or two other opportunities for them to do more of a family thing, and others just see some more one on one as opportunities arise.

I know that where we live makes it harder for people to visit us at our home, but I also know that they do travel, so why not here?

If I were not to drive home, I probably would never see most of them again.

[ratunderpaper]

Families provide structure outside friendship. That structure has value in society and in individual lives, particularly in raising children.
A dysfunctional family eradicates that societal structure. The structure becomes a sham, yet some people will insist everything that isn't normal is normal to protect their image and dignity – who would want to be judged as dysfunctional or inferior? Or bad? Who wants to be judged at all?

The trick appears to be getting what one wants and needs from what one has been given. And if one can improve the family dynamic, so much the better.

I'll probably come to the next extended family gathering with rainbow socks or bracelet, just in case anyone who needs to stay hidden sees it and will understand they have an ally if they need one.

[gottawonder]

What I feel like I'm looking for from family, is a sense of belonging to a group, affection if not actual love, that feeling of continuity as new generations are born, a sense of coming from somewhere, and having people who "know who you are" over the years.

One could hope that in times of trial, that they might be supportive too, but that seems like a pipe dream, though others sometimes have family that helps out.

It would be nice to have phone calls from them. That doesn't seem like too much to ask, but it seems that it is.

So, I live in this strange situation where I probably have 25 or more living relatives who are siblings and their children, but I'm like a ghost to them.

[ratunderpaper]

That kind of connection that creates a sense of "family" is, unfortunately, not a guarantee among and between relatives.

I used to think that large families were always close and happy, but that's because I was raised as an only. The world of siblings was an exotic mystery to me.

[gottawonder]

What gets to me, is that I feel like if we lived in the "radius", we would see more of my family.

It's hard not to feel like I'm being overlooked or snubbed for living further away, even though a phone call would still reach me.

The contrast is, when I was a kid, right up until my husband and I moved to Wyoming, I saw family all the time.

Our Christmas gatherings had thirty or more people jammed into the house at the farm, and often with some of them staying there for several days.

We had lots of weekends where the older siblings came home to visit Mom, and came with their kids (when I was a teen, the nieces and nephews were about ten years younger than me, and I did a lot of babysitting).

The family that live in Manitoba, which is most of them, do see each other in person several times a year, stay at each other's places sometimes, especially in the summer.

So given all of that, it hurts not to get phone calls.

I guess I'm going to have to just get over it, because it isn't likely going to change.

The plus side, is that it did keep us out of easy reach of my husband's parents, who would have monopolized all of my husband's free time, and he would never have said no.

That was an issue in our first year together before we moved. His parents wanted him home all the time on the weekend to help with things because he's handy, and then wanted him to spend all of his vacation time at their cabin at the lake with them.

I went a few times, and felt very left out of things, because it really was him they wanted there.

I swear to you I'm not always this miserable.