Fun with mockery.

[gottawonder]

I was reading this book on home renovations, and it was kind of hilarious, because the sheer privilage of the whole thing is just ridiculous after awhile. It has prompted me to write what I felt the whole time I was reading it (my mockery of decorating books). Some of what I included in here was actually in the book.

Jeff and Sandy Manybucks have lived in four significant landmark homes so far this decade, but none have sparked as much interest as the three story colonial home they bought in the Upper Peninsula this summer.

Since they will be living here for at least two years while Jeff is working to close down a local manufacturing outlet, lay off all the workers and sell all of the assets, it's important that this house is completly perfect. Living in one house for this length of time in such an out of the way region is a personal sacrifice for the family, but it doesn't have to be awful!

They don't want to change the house much, and hopefully they can preserve some of it's original charm.

The architect suggested that a complete gutting is critical to achieving the ultra modern look that Sandy requires. Most of the interior walls were torn down, and rebuilt, moving them only slightly to make some rooms one or two feet larger, and others one or two feet smaller. The improvement to the flow was remarkable.

Although the house already possesses many large, new windows, Sandy and Jeff agreed that it was for the best to replace all of the window with newer, larger windows. They also immediately replaced the beautiful but far too shiny marble floors in the entry way with matte marble floors, that were carefully mined so that it never saw the light of day until it was reborn in this home.

There were some small, awkward rooms like the living room, the dining room, and the kitchen, that had to be completely opened up to form Sandy's new vagina steaming room. The new floor to ceiling windows facing the street allow all the light and warmth to bring the room to life.

Jeff had some small requests for himself, like a small corner for his shoes, a place to sleep, and a hook for his jacket. Luckily the home also has a pool and small changing shed that Jeff can use for his sleeping quarters and such any time after 10 pm.

Sandy felt that the decor in the home originally was very gaudy and overstated, so the plain white walls were re-painted in a color that defies identification, and in fact is actually very difficult for the human eye to register as color at all. All of the furniture and cabinets and in fact everything is now this color.

The basement, which is the original dirt walls and floor, needed no upgrades at all in order to serve as housing for the many undocumented workers required to clean and maintain this luxurious property. This area is where all of the original charm of the property is allowed free rein.

Sandy and Jeff's two children, who may or may not have names, simply love their gable bedrooms that were formerly crawl spaces under the eaves of the third floor.

One of the best features of this home are the fourteen random living rooms that are all larger than most people's entire home. There is a large living room at one end of the master bedroom, a cosy 23x40 nook off of the guest bath, four sitting areas around separate fire places, an interior balcony overlooking the main lounge that in itself functions as a more intimate conversation area, a casual conversation area within the foyer, some extra seating in the dining room, an entire conservatory that is only used for afternoon tea, and two outdoor living rooms. And that one chair in Jeff's pool house.

There was this strange 40x60 foot room that no one knew what to do with, but the best fit for this family is an area with several couches and end tables that might work as a conversation area. This is emphatically NOT another living room, it is specifically a family room (though the children are not allowed in this area).

All of this work was done to perfection with a minimum of mess or noise in only four months! Isn't it amazing what can be done with an unlimited budget!