Reemerging emotions.

[gottawonder]

Today my sweetie's parents were in our vicinity. A dying brother. They wanted us to meet up with them for a visit at the airport on their way out (I'm glad they didn't want to try to come visit us, because I still don't know how to answer that one, when the time comes).

As you know, if you've been following my posts, I want to be done with my in-laws. I have tried to make peace with them this past 20 years, but they drive me nuts. I could have dealt with that, if that's all it was, but in the last couple of years, my sweetie's father has decided to get gross with me. He always had a certain...creep factor? You know how there's just something about a guy, that you just get that vibe, right? Well, if you have the option, you just decide you don't need to hang around that guy. Well, when he's your husband's father, you end up having him in your house. Sitting with him at the table. Listening to his gross, inappropriate sexually charged comments and the occasional story you didn't want to hear. Then it escalates a bit, and his new fun joke is to pull his pants down and stand in your driveway in his underwear in front of you.

What drove me to the limit, is that this past summer they were here helping us with our house project, and several times he manages to brush my breast/ass. Once while I was holding up a window with both hands, and he had all the space in the world to get by me, yet he rubs my backside on his way by.

I can't think of any way to really set a boundary with him. Do sexual predators accept boundaries? Do people who get off on your discomfort listen to such things? Likely not. If I keep having to entertain him at our home, how many more "charming anecdotes" about hookers or the rituals surrounding sex on wedding nights will I have to endure? Will he "accidentally" walk in on me in the bathroom at some point? Maybe his house robe will fall open in front of me. Maybe he'll "need to look for something" in our bedroom.

Anyhow, I told my sweetie I didn't want to meet his parents for a visit at the airport, and he was fine with that. We've had this conversation, and he understands it. Neither one of us is sure about how we're going to explain that they aren't welcome at our home anymore (unless I'm away, I guess?), but for now, I'm not interested in meeting up with them anymore.

So, what really bothered me today, is that I was talking to my Mom, and I really hadn't said much to her about these events, because I wasn't sure what to say yet. Today I started trying to talk to her about what my sweetie's Dad had done this summer, and how I felt, and how I wasn't going to be around him anymore.

You know what my Mom said, after I tried to tell her about what I think is sexually threatening harassment? she says "You know, I'm really not interested in hearing all of this. This is your problem, and I'm sure you can deal with it, but I don't want to listen to this".

My Mom didn't feel like listening to me try to explain how my husband's father was being sexually inappropriate with me, how awful it made me feel to have to tell my husband that I didn't want his family to be around me anymore, and how gross I felt to be in this situation.

MY MOM didn't want to talk about me having to deal with a disgusting man's weird, gross behavior.

I won't go into it, but there's been lots of things that my Mom should have cared about more. In that, she should have really done something when my 15 year old sister had sex with a 30+ year old man when she was babysitting for his wife. My Mom should have done something more for another sister of mine, who has suggested that she was sexually abused as a child. I think my sister tried to tell my Mom, and my Mom likely "wasn't interested" in what she had to say.

Us women live in a world of gross, creepy men who are constantly trying to do gross things to us if they think they can get away with it. My husband's Dad figured he could get away with it because it's not like I can keep him away from me, right? Well, now I'm going to keep him away from me, as best as I can. I even told my sweetie that if I am somehow forced to be in his Dad's presence, and he tries to touch me like that again, that I'm going to hurt him.

I've had a life time of men trying to touch me. Men thinking that if I slept with some other guy, then why wouldn't I sleep with them too? Men thinking that if THEY like me, I have to like them back, right? If they buy me something, I have to sleep with them, right? If they compliment me, I have to go somewhere with them, right? Or, that if they want to be gross and tell gross stories or take their pants off in front of me, I just have to stand there and take it. That if I'm pretty, I'm a target. They're complimenting me with their gross attention.

It's something that I have been afraid of, with losing weight. Part of me doesn't want to be pretty anymore. I don't want men noticing me again. I don't. I don't want men to start following me around again, the way they did when I was 25. Following me down the street. Following me into stores. Or having my sweetie's father decide that now that I'm thinner, that maybe now he would be even more gross to me. He hasn't seen me since I lost weight, and I don't want him to.

It's so awful. I don't hate all men. I have some male friends that I love dearly, and trust implicitly. I've also spent so much of my life really hating men for how they treat me. I found a certain relief in being heavy, some freedom from the male gaze, and I felt safer. Not entirely, lots of men are willing to move from treating you as a sex object to just treating you like garbage because you're female.

So, even though my husband didn't try to make me see his parents, I am going through all of these feelings right now.

I am very hurt by my Mom's reaction, but I talked to one of my sisters for a while, and she validated my feelings, and I'm so glad I had her to talk to.

The thing that I struggle with, is that my husband's father is not doing something that is an obvious transgression. His gross sex comments are supposed to be "funny". His brushing against me could be "accidents". His pulling his pants down in the driveway was "a joke". No. He'd never just grab my boob or anything. It will always be something that could be an accident, or a misunderstanding. That's how manipulators work, right?

Here's my thought though; a woman can't even get a court to believe that she was raped. They'll say it was her fault. She must have led him on. She let him into her house. She was dressed suggestively. She got into the hot tub with him. Or, even if she was walking home, it was her fault somehow.

It's not like he's done anything that I could "prove". Yet, I know that he'll just keep it up. Mind games. Enjoying the power of seeing me upset. Knowing that I know what he's doing and I can't stop it. He can do it right in front of other people too, and make it a joke. A joke just for me.

So, this is what I'm feeling tonight, and I'm tired for us all, that this is what we have to deal with.