Wednesday, May 22

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Making the long drive to visit family and back safely.

Our family gathers every May Long weekend, and has for almost as long as I can remember. We used to do it out at the family farm, then it's been at other family homes.

This year the actual gathering was on Sunday at Sister N's back yard. We had somewhere around 25 people.

It was a few days of intense visiting with family in the area, and it was bittersweet as always.

There are several of my family members who are getting pretty frail and you wonder how long they will be able to live independently, or at all. Some of them are hard to have a conversation with, as there are hearing issues, and memory issues, and it's a lot to take in all at once, since I don't see them the rest of the year.

I did see some of the younger ones, and one niece in particular we talked a fair bit on a walk we took out at the farm. She is one of the "at risk" ones that actually seems to be starting to make some good choices that could lead her to have a better life, and I'm wondering how I can help her do that.

She is a single mom, but she is working as a nurse's aide, and is considering becoming an LPN, since she has a scholarship to do so, and I strongly encouraged her to go for it if she likes nursing. She is saving up for a house too.

My interactions with Trainwreck were pretty much exactly how I thought they would go. Nothing but moaning on and on about how sick she was (and according to various family, Trainwreck often exaggerates her illnesses to manipulate people or get attention). She works really hard to be the center of attention at the Lodge where she lives, doing one outrageous thing after another.

When we were sitting outside with some of her "friends", one of them (who was married) hit on me. It was the weirdest thing, because of course this was someone that was only a few years older than me in school, and he would have been one of the "popular" crowd, and considered to be good looking. I had nothing to do with him back then, and really had nothing to do with him since then either. He's still not bad for being over 50, but the whole thing was just so...surreal. He never would have even talked to me in high school since I was not popular, he doesn't seem to remember me, and yet it was pretty obvious that he was wanting....? He talked non-stop about how "everyone in this town sleeps with each other", and asked if I wanted to go for drinks, and then because THAT wasn't obvious enough, he sat on my lap. Wow.

Trainwreck tells dramatic stories about how unhappy Sister L is, and how she needs to move into the lodge with her (Sister L is fine, she is living on her own since her husband died, but her health is good, she has money, and people who can help her if she needs it).

I visited Sister L at her home, which is well kept, and her beautiful yard that is well kept, and Sister L is healthy, has people who are good neighbors who would help if there was an emergency, and does not need to move anywhere. She does miss her husband and is lonely at times, but she is a person who enjoys solitude and working in her yard. Her daughter usually spends a good two months with her every summer.

Apparently Trainwreck has also been telling everyone how unhappy I am, and how I should leave my husband and move back home.

I know I get upset often about the house taking so long to finish, and the stress associated with that is not insignificant, but I THOUGHT I also balanced that with stories of the nice things we do in the city, how nice it's been that he's been working close to home this winter, and so on. Like I've said, she only hears the negative things, since she seems to love misery.

I had sisters approach me about "do I have a plan for how I am going to have money if I have to leave my husband", so that really pissed me off.

When Sister N started into me about my finances and my life choices and why do I have so many animals since none of them are for the purpose of earning money and were expensive and so on, and how they mean that my husband and I can't go on vacations which she thought was "unhealthy for our relationship" I was ready to throttle her. I don't go home for this crap, and she's really not someone who can criticize my choices. I told her as much. Then Sister N proceeded to act as if she hadn't just tried to make a nearly 52 year old woman explain her life choices to her like I was a teenager. I don't have to explain SHIT to her.

On more positive experiences, I had a few good visits with my Brother T, and talked about his recent vacation with his wife to Palm Springs, and how much they loved it and would like to go back. My visit with him and his wife at the farm was good. She recently had weight loss surgery and has lost over 130 pounds. It likely saved her life.

I had some good visits with Mom, though she doesn't say much and was mostly asleep in her chair. One day she was more awake, and we looked at family photo albums, and when a few other family showed up we all had a very good visit.

My visit with Uncle M and Aunt E was good, but also sad because they are very frail.

I stayed in the motel again, which I think is a good choice because it gave me some down time where I could be alone and decompress every evening, and get some sleep. It had a television with some free movie choices so I watched some of those, and that was fun.

I had put together a big bag of sheets for Trainwreck, so now she can't say she doesn't have any sheets. I know other family brought her pans and some dishes and so on, since she kept saying she had no household items. So, I got to clean out our linens of things we weren't using.

I also took a bag of clothes and a set of curtains, and all of those found homes.

I also try to take enough pottery that each of my siblings can take home a piece, and if they don't all show up then one of the younger folks can take one. I don't sell much of my pottery at the annual craft center sale, so I give a lot of it away.

I enjoyed some of the drives, even though the overall experience is pretty exhausting. I drive across all of Saskatchewan, and though it has a reputation for being flat and bleak, that's not really true. The highway I took goes up and down over and over again through river valleys, there are some incredible rolling hills, and not much for trees really but some astonishing stretches of wide open farmland with skies you can't imagine. The sense of vastness is something that is really something to experience. I stopped a few times just to rest, and loved the wind and hearing birds like meadowlarks that we don't seem to have where I live.

These trips take a lot of work for me to go, and it's great seeing everyone, but it is emotionally taxing. In a few short days I'm trying to learn as much as I can about everyone, taking in their current physical appearance and all the nuances that you don't get from phone conversations or Facebook updates.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

I am sorry to hear that your discussions about home life have been twisted into something sinister and potentially life-changing by those you trust. I do not think anyone here got that kind of impression.

But - schadenfreude is irresistible for some types, and it's good to be cautious.

[gottawonder]

All I can surmise is that Trainwreck is miserable, and has been miserable for so long that she can't deal with the idea that a couple can have "points of tension" without it meaning that it's all over.

I know she only seems interested in my darker feelings, and I have actually noticed in myself that I don't bother mentioning good things anymore, or gloss them over. It doesn't seem to interest her, or it seems "unfair" or "gloating" to talk about the good things we have going on, like buying the new truck this year, or going bike riding together since SHE neither has money nor health to do...anything it seems.

I know there are times when I AM absolutely furious over the lack of progress on the house. This past winter at one point I was livid that nothing at all had happened since my husband worked on the siding in October. It's like he just felt that he didn't have to do anything again until summer, when we had ALL KINDS of indoor work we could do. For a while, I didn't say anything, because he's always saying that "I don't have to nag him to get things done", so I stayed quiet, for about three months.

When absolutely nothing happened, I blew up, and he was all upset, but I think he also had to concede that nothing had been done, and I started insisting that for a few days during the week, and at least SOMETHING every weekend we needed to keep moving ahead.

That's not been perfect, but there have been some gains over the winter. It's honestly still going so slowly that I could cry, but at least it hasn't halted.

Even that, is not the same as saying I am going to divorce him.

I have ALWAYS been disappointed in myself that I didn't have a career and thus could have had "my own money". I have worked here and there, but it never amounted to anything, and after a while it seemed silly compared to what my husband earns.

If we did divorce, I would not be destitute, though it would be a pretty tough adjustment.

For two of the three sisters that have been hassling me about "planning", they have just been dirt poor their whole lives, always hanging by a thread with three or four kids to worry about. They were always with absolute human garbage for men, with very little autonomy or security.

I understand their concerns, to be honest. It's coming from a place of experience, though they never learned from it.

So, it's not something they would understand, is that if we did divorce and our property and assets split in a fair manner, I would not be destitute.

I do resent Trainwreck spreading her poison, though, and I really don't feel like I need to defend my life choices like this.

[ratunderpaper]

We've seen women go from lives of comfort to extremely reduced means in the blink of an eye - unfair, yes, but life can be unfair.
Independence is good thing, but it's not guaranteed. It's smart for your sisters to remind you of the need for financial security should the need arise. They don't know your circumstances, but forearmed is forewarned, or however that thing goes.
Lois aways warned me to be cautious with money and advised me to be as independent as possible... but we slip into our lives, do we not?

[gottawonder]

The whole thing about being independent is not lost on me, and I've already spent my whole life observing the fallout.

What bothered me was all of a sudden, having three of my sisters that week approach me as if I was looking at getting a divorce, as if it were imminent. There's no reason to treat me like that.

[ratunderpaper]

I don't much care to have grown dependent from living exceptionally independently, but life happens as it does. If I could have seen the future, I'd have saved a great deal more and I would have been far less generous, especially to those who were not particularly grateful. But - what is done is done.

Your sisters clearly have some concern for your well-being, security and prosperity. Why do you suppose that is, if it is not kindness?

[gottawonder]

Have you never felt that people probing into your life and offering "advice" were not really motivated by kindness?

If so, surely you can understand how that is possible.

[ratunderpaper]

But... this is your family. If their motivation isn't based in misguided kindness, what do they want to achieve?

[gottawonder]

Well, you yourself talk a lot about doinkery. You tell me, what do doinks get out of being doinks?

[ratunderpaper]

The doinks I know are not blood relatives. If I had to guess, I'd say they were aiming to achieve control and wield power. Either of these is what their modus usually appears to involve.

[gottawonder]

Right? Just because they're family doesn't mean they don't have issues.

Trainwreck is addicted to many things, and drama is one of them. She likes to stir up anyone who will listen to her, and my Sister N will always listen to her. So, Trainwreck can very easily turn my rants about the house not being finished into some pretty big drama in no time.

Both of them have always had rough relationships, and rough finances, so that's part of it too. They don't really even see my husband and I interacting to know whether or not we are healthy together,since we've never lived anywhere close to them.

Sister N just likes to talk and sound superior, so if this gave her that opportunity, then you know she's going to jump on it.

So, they were two of the three people who asked me about my "plans".

Sister E was likely still in contact with Trainwreck too, though she says she was just "curious". Why on Earth would she all of a sudden by "curious" about how I was set up in case of divorce? I figure she was talking with Trainwreck and just didn't want to rat her out, PLUS, I think that Sister E has had a rough patch with her husband this year, and in spite of having worked her whole life, she's probably still not really set up well enough that she could leave.

I think it's a combination of those factors. Of the three of them, I would be most likely to believe that Sister E was somewhat motivated by actual kindness.

Is it really that hard to imagine that family can be toxic? You've seen my posts about Trainwreck, yes? She's pretty toxic to herself, and she's not much better to anyone else. She's not necessarily evil, but all of the things that make her who she is means she's not healthy to interact with, and it's all about HER needs and she's not going to stop and think about the impact of her words on other people.

[ratunderpaper]

It's not hard to imagine toxic family members, but usually there's estrangement as a result and not continual contact.
I like to think that, in spite of people's issues, there is kind intention rooted in their curiosity.

[gottawonder]

There probably should be estrangement from Trainwreck. I would be a happier person.

[gottawonder]

Also: It's nice that you think Trainwreck spreading poison about my marriage is somehow rooted in kind intentions, but I feel that it's about her being bored, unhappy, and enjoying the little jolt you get when you talk shit about someone else.

At some point, you're going to have to just take my word on this. She does not care about me.

[cf2princessawnw]

It sounds like overall it was a peaceful and good trip for you, and you were glad that you made it. Yeah, just creepy wow about that guy! Some people just don't value marriage. I know I've never been married to understand firsthand the ups and downs of it, but I know you love your husband a ton. And I know you're both committed to each other. If you weren't committed, you wouldn't have the disagreements that you have and it bother you either of you. Either way, that's rather malicious to spread that kind of stuff in your family Circle and then have it come back to you. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

It's a good reminder to me too to ask for less advice and slowly let people in less, because it really is none of their business how I live or what I do, even if there are rules with agencies and insurance and landlords and such. I'm not a teenage delinquent!

I loved hearing about your drive! Thanks for writing about it. It sounds beautiful and unique. I'm glad you got to experience all you talked about in it!

And I hope that the young relative who is trying to get on a better track really is able to follow through. It looks like some really great choices she's headed toward, and if she even earned a scholarship, that speaks a lot to her potential. I hope she has the courage and belief in herself or support to see it through to where she truly could get.

Most of all I wish you the recovery time you need to process everything from a whirlwind trip. That is incredibly hard to have to see everyone and adapt that fast. A few times I've had something similar happen, it's surreal. You feel like you woke up in a dream and everybody just got older and what on Earth happened.

Extra win on getting rid of some of the Linens you didn't need and at the same time helping a family member out.

[gottawonder]

VERY MUCH what you said about the experience being surreal.

When I go home, it can literally feel like I've entered a parallel universe of some kind, because as you say, a year's worth of change happens while I am away, and when I visit, I try to absorb it in a few days.

The family farm can look different each time, if a couple of trees are gone, or other trees suddenly bigger than I remember, or my brother and his wife did some renovations on the house we grew up in and you don't see the process, only the result, and it feels overlaid onto your memory of what it used to look like.

Some people, like my Brother T's wife, all of a sudden look drastically different (she lost 130 pounds this year), kids grow several inches, or the last time you saw them they were toddlers, and now they are five years old. Some babies become teenagers with me never really getting to know them. My nieces and nephews just barely seemed like adults and now they are parents and well on their way to being middle aged.

There are changes in the town where I grew up that jump sharply from year to year. A building gone, or a new one built, but because you know that small town like the back of your hand you're aware of it. The shock of seeing someone you went to school with, and they're very different looking, or seeing the man who used to run the post office or the motel in the same care home as your Mom.

They changed all the play ground equipment in the park we used to play in. Weirdly enough, half of that old equipment is now in someone's yard right behind my Sister N's house. It's very distinct and unmistakable.

I also don't quite feel like "me" there, I'm struggling to sort of be the "me" that I am within my family dynamic, and that is tough when you're only home for a few days. Some of my sisters still treat me like the "baby" of the family, and then to my younger nieces and nephews I am lumped in with being one of the "aunties" even though I am twenty years younger than them. I don't feel like one of the aunties, I'm only ten years older than the older nieces/nephews.

It's weird. Very weird. It's like time is just VIBRATING all around me, back and forth between when I grew up there to now, flashes of how things used to look, to now, people looking old now, then seeing all their pictures from twenty or thirty or more years ago and remembering being there at the time.

Your mind remembers people the way they used to look and you have a tough time seeing them as they are now. I know people are doing that when they look at me too.

It is a lot of processing, and no, it's not all negative. Just a LOT.

I have to come home and figure out how to be "me" again in my role here.

[cf2princessawnw]

What you said makes a lot of sense, and I hope that you have the space and time to be able to decompress and process all of it out to being you again.

[gottawonder]

I do get back to being me in a few days, but going home makes me feel a bit like I'm being stretched in ten different directions trying to be the right version of me for that situation.

[cf2princessawnw]

I'm sure it does, and probably more than one version depending on each individual situation as well. Hope you get back to you soon. 🌹

[cf2princessawnw]

And, Although Train wreck sister and my own situations are vastly vastly different, as far as having to hear about healthy people be happy with things that I can't be.... At least for me, it's all about the way they talk about it. S. Will send pictures of his family on Luxurious exotic vacations, But say something honest and heartfelt to the effect of I'm going through such a horrible time and he's not trying to show how good a time he's having but to share something good with me to open up my world And include me in something better. That helps. And it does give me the joy then and it's not as hard to have to work to be happy For somebody else When you're struggling so badly yourself. The struggle can be real, but I'd never wanna be one of those people that hates the world for being happy when I can't be. It's mostly hard when you see people rub it in your face or make really blatant pathetic excuses that are barely thinly veiled as just that For not helping Even in the simplest of ways.

These days it's really really hard Not to hate the world sometimes, but still.... I have found that if I can't resist it and start to hate people for being happy when I can't be, it separates me even further from what I want most of all - life. If they share it in a kind way, it makes it just the tiniest bit more attainable to me, because I wasn't shut out of THEIR life Because of mine.... so maybe somehow somewhere won't be shut out of life in general and I can find a way back to living in it happily.

That's me. everyone's different. I'm sorry you feel you have to be careful with what you tell her And edit yourself including some of your happiness. Hope you're able to continue to navigate the boundaries you want for you So you can have the relationship you want with her. take care

[gottawonder]

Well, I don't know how hard Trainwreck tries to be happy for other's good fortune.

I myself feel like I could have been more like her but "for the grace of god", and I wonder sometimes why things have to be so unfair.

Sure, I have made better choices, but some of her life circumstances were different too, and they might have made all the difference.

My life might ONLY be better because I grew up watching her, and made deliberate choices not to be like that.

It is very difficult to talk about happy things, especially relating to money, since she never has any. I know that if I am unhappy, all of a sudden it makes me more relatable for her, and also others in my family who have tough lives.

A lifetime of subtly being aware that "misery loves company" shifts your focus, and I know that I have trouble feeling okay with being "okay", or trusting in good things or good days.

There are people in my family, and not just Trainwreck, who like to tear down the people in our family who are doing better. They used to mock my Sister E all the time when I was a kid, because Sister E actually was doing okay financially and had a solid marriage and a good job, but they used to make it sound like she was stuck up or obsessive. It wasn't until I was older that I realized it was envy.

Probably Trainwreck talks about me now that way. Like I'm a crazy person spending tons of money on our house, or things we don't need, or having all my expensive animals or being vegetarian. I know she always makes my health consciousness sound like I am crazy; wearing sunscreen regularly is nuts, after all (she likes to just bake herself in the sun). Not drinking or smoking or being a vegetarian is ridiculous. Yoga? Who does that kind of thing!

You're right though, a person needs to allow themselves to BE HAPPY sometimes, and to recognize that you're allowed even when others are not.

[cf2princessawnw]

If we don't allow ourselves to be happy, why all the turmoil to get there. I don't think it's only important, I think it's imperative. Your life experience is somewhat based on your choice of how you experience it. Not 100% but somewhat. And don't we all want to be happy? So wouldn't it be a waste to feel guilty almost for feeling happy. I'm not sure I can put it into words but all this to say I hope that you can find a balance of other people that make you feel allowed and free, truly free to be happy.

[gottawonder]

Well, most of the time Trainwreck and other "less happy" members of my family play a smaller role in my life.

I probably talk to Trainwreck too often these days. Before Covid, I didn't talk to her that often, but that's around the time her partner died, and I felt sorry for her being alone and started making a point of talking to her more often.

As awful as it sounds, I wonder what I will do with myself emotionally once she's passed. I think on some levels I will feel relief.

I do otherwise allow myself to be happy, though I am aware that I need to focus on positive things more often. That's easier when I'm happy about a beautiful day or seeing a cool bird or something like that. If it's happiness relating to something to do with money, there is often guilt.

I sometimes do run into people who seem to be very cheerful in a a sincere way, and I think how nice it would be to be so uncomplicated. Like those golden labs, for whom all the world is their best friend and all is well. Wheee!

[cf2princessawnw]

I wish both of you more moments of allowing yourself to be happy. Indeed I think the whole world needs such a thing! Even if only away from the public eye and opinion.