Wednesday, May 22

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Making the long drive to visit family and back safely.

Our family gathers every May Long weekend, and has for almost as long as I can remember. We used to do it out at the family farm, then it's been at other family homes.

This year the actual gathering was on Sunday at Sister N's back yard. We had somewhere around 25 people.

It was a few days of intense visiting with family in the area, and it was bittersweet as always.

There are several of my family members who are getting pretty frail and you wonder how long they will be able to live independently, or at all. Some of them are hard to have a conversation with, as there are hearing issues, and memory issues, and it's a lot to take in all at once, since I don't see them the rest of the year.

I did see some of the younger ones, and one niece in particular we talked a fair bit on a walk we took out at the farm. She is one of the "at risk" ones that actually seems to be starting to make some good choices that could lead her to have a better life, and I'm wondering how I can help her do that.

She is a single mom, but she is working as a nurse's aide, and is considering becoming an LPN, since she has a scholarship to do so, and I strongly encouraged her to go for it if she likes nursing. She is saving up for a house too.

My interactions with Trainwreck were pretty much exactly how I thought they would go. Nothing but moaning on and on about how sick she was (and according to various family, Trainwreck often exaggerates her illnesses to manipulate people or get attention). She works really hard to be the center of attention at the Lodge where she lives, doing one outrageous thing after another.

When we were sitting outside with some of her "friends", one of them (who was married) hit on me. It was the weirdest thing, because of course this was someone that was only a few years older than me in school, and he would have been one of the "popular" crowd, and considered to be good looking. I had nothing to do with him back then, and really had nothing to do with him since then either. He's still not bad for being over 50, but the whole thing was just so...surreal. He never would have even talked to me in high school since I was not popular, he doesn't seem to remember me, and yet it was pretty obvious that he was wanting....? He talked non-stop about how "everyone in this town sleeps with each other", and asked if I wanted to go for drinks, and then because THAT wasn't obvious enough, he sat on my lap. Wow.

Trainwreck tells dramatic stories about how unhappy Sister L is, and how she needs to move into the lodge with her (Sister L is fine, she is living on her own since her husband died, but her health is good, she has money, and people who can help her if she needs it).

I visited Sister L at her home, which is well kept, and her beautiful yard that is well kept, and Sister L is healthy, has people who are good neighbors who would help if there was an emergency, and does not need to move anywhere. She does miss her husband and is lonely at times, but she is a person who enjoys solitude and working in her yard. Her daughter usually spends a good two months with her every summer.

Apparently Trainwreck has also been telling everyone how unhappy I am, and how I should leave my husband and move back home.

I know I get upset often about the house taking so long to finish, and the stress associated with that is not insignificant, but I THOUGHT I also balanced that with stories of the nice things we do in the city, how nice it's been that he's been working close to home this winter, and so on. Like I've said, she only hears the negative things, since she seems to love misery.

I had sisters approach me about "do I have a plan for how I am going to have money if I have to leave my husband", so that really pissed me off.

When Sister N started into me about my finances and my life choices and why do I have so many animals since none of them are for the purpose of earning money and were expensive and so on, and how they mean that my husband and I can't go on vacations which she thought was "unhealthy for our relationship" I was ready to throttle her. I don't go home for this crap, and she's really not someone who can criticize my choices. I told her as much. Then Sister N proceeded to act as if she hadn't just tried to make a nearly 52 year old woman explain her life choices to her like I was a teenager. I don't have to explain SHIT to her.

On more positive experiences, I had a few good visits with my Brother T, and talked about his recent vacation with his wife to Palm Springs, and how much they loved it and would like to go back. My visit with him and his wife at the farm was good. She recently had weight loss surgery and has lost over 130 pounds. It likely saved her life.

I had some good visits with Mom, though she doesn't say much and was mostly asleep in her chair. One day she was more awake, and we looked at family photo albums, and when a few other family showed up we all had a very good visit.

My visit with Uncle M and Aunt E was good, but also sad because they are very frail.

I stayed in the motel again, which I think is a good choice because it gave me some down time where I could be alone and decompress every evening, and get some sleep. It had a television with some free movie choices so I watched some of those, and that was fun.

I had put together a big bag of sheets for Trainwreck, so now she can't say she doesn't have any sheets. I know other family brought her pans and some dishes and so on, since she kept saying she had no household items. So, I got to clean out our linens of things we weren't using.

I also took a bag of clothes and a set of curtains, and all of those found homes.

I also try to take enough pottery that each of my siblings can take home a piece, and if they don't all show up then one of the younger folks can take one. I don't sell much of my pottery at the annual craft center sale, so I give a lot of it away.

I enjoyed some of the drives, even though the overall experience is pretty exhausting. I drive across all of Saskatchewan, and though it has a reputation for being flat and bleak, that's not really true. The highway I took goes up and down over and over again through river valleys, there are some incredible rolling hills, and not much for trees really but some astonishing stretches of wide open farmland with skies you can't imagine. The sense of vastness is something that is really something to experience. I stopped a few times just to rest, and loved the wind and hearing birds like meadowlarks that we don't seem to have where I live.

These trips take a lot of work for me to go, and it's great seeing everyone, but it is emotionally taxing. In a few short days I'm trying to learn as much as I can about everyone, taking in their current physical appearance and all the nuances that you don't get from phone conversations or Facebook updates.

Comments

[gottawonder]

All I can surmise is that Trainwreck is miserable, and has been miserable for so long that she can't deal with the idea that a couple can have "points of tension" without it meaning that it's all over.

I know she only seems interested in my darker feelings, and I have actually noticed in myself that I don't bother mentioning good things anymore, or gloss them over. It doesn't seem to interest her, or it seems "unfair" or "gloating" to talk about the good things we have going on, like buying the new truck this year, or going bike riding together since SHE neither has money nor health to do...anything it seems.

I know there are times when I AM absolutely furious over the lack of progress on the house. This past winter at one point I was livid that nothing at all had happened since my husband worked on the siding in October. It's like he just felt that he didn't have to do anything again until summer, when we had ALL KINDS of indoor work we could do. For a while, I didn't say anything, because he's always saying that "I don't have to nag him to get things done", so I stayed quiet, for about three months.

When absolutely nothing happened, I blew up, and he was all upset, but I think he also had to concede that nothing had been done, and I started insisting that for a few days during the week, and at least SOMETHING every weekend we needed to keep moving ahead.

That's not been perfect, but there have been some gains over the winter. It's honestly still going so slowly that I could cry, but at least it hasn't halted.

Even that, is not the same as saying I am going to divorce him.

I have ALWAYS been disappointed in myself that I didn't have a career and thus could have had "my own money". I have worked here and there, but it never amounted to anything, and after a while it seemed silly compared to what my husband earns.

If we did divorce, I would not be destitute, though it would be a pretty tough adjustment.

For two of the three sisters that have been hassling me about "planning", they have just been dirt poor their whole lives, always hanging by a thread with three or four kids to worry about. They were always with absolute human garbage for men, with very little autonomy or security.

I understand their concerns, to be honest. It's coming from a place of experience, though they never learned from it.

So, it's not something they would understand, is that if we did divorce and our property and assets split in a fair manner, I would not be destitute.

I do resent Trainwreck spreading her poison, though, and I really don't feel like I need to defend my life choices like this.

[ratunderpaper]

We've seen women go from lives of comfort to extremely reduced means in the blink of an eye - unfair, yes, but life can be unfair.
Independence is good thing, but it's not guaranteed. It's smart for your sisters to remind you of the need for financial security should the need arise. They don't know your circumstances, but forearmed is forewarned, or however that thing goes.
Lois aways warned me to be cautious with money and advised me to be as independent as possible... but we slip into our lives, do we not?

[gottawonder]

The whole thing about being independent is not lost on me, and I've already spent my whole life observing the fallout.

What bothered me was all of a sudden, having three of my sisters that week approach me as if I was looking at getting a divorce, as if it were imminent. There's no reason to treat me like that.

[ratunderpaper]

I don't much care to have grown dependent from living exceptionally independently, but life happens as it does. If I could have seen the future, I'd have saved a great deal more and I would have been far less generous, especially to those who were not particularly grateful. But - what is done is done.

Your sisters clearly have some concern for your well-being, security and prosperity. Why do you suppose that is, if it is not kindness?

[gottawonder]

Have you never felt that people probing into your life and offering "advice" were not really motivated by kindness?

If so, surely you can understand how that is possible.

[ratunderpaper]

But... this is your family. If their motivation isn't based in misguided kindness, what do they want to achieve?

[gottawonder]

Well, you yourself talk a lot about doinkery. You tell me, what do doinks get out of being doinks?

[ratunderpaper]

The doinks I know are not blood relatives. If I had to guess, I'd say they were aiming to achieve control and wield power. Either of these is what their modus usually appears to involve.

[gottawonder]

Right? Just because they're family doesn't mean they don't have issues.

Trainwreck is addicted to many things, and drama is one of them. She likes to stir up anyone who will listen to her, and my Sister N will always listen to her. So, Trainwreck can very easily turn my rants about the house not being finished into some pretty big drama in no time.

Both of them have always had rough relationships, and rough finances, so that's part of it too. They don't really even see my husband and I interacting to know whether or not we are healthy together,since we've never lived anywhere close to them.

Sister N just likes to talk and sound superior, so if this gave her that opportunity, then you know she's going to jump on it.

So, they were two of the three people who asked me about my "plans".

Sister E was likely still in contact with Trainwreck too, though she says she was just "curious". Why on Earth would she all of a sudden by "curious" about how I was set up in case of divorce? I figure she was talking with Trainwreck and just didn't want to rat her out, PLUS, I think that Sister E has had a rough patch with her husband this year, and in spite of having worked her whole life, she's probably still not really set up well enough that she could leave.

I think it's a combination of those factors. Of the three of them, I would be most likely to believe that Sister E was somewhat motivated by actual kindness.

Is it really that hard to imagine that family can be toxic? You've seen my posts about Trainwreck, yes? She's pretty toxic to herself, and she's not much better to anyone else. She's not necessarily evil, but all of the things that make her who she is means she's not healthy to interact with, and it's all about HER needs and she's not going to stop and think about the impact of her words on other people.

[ratunderpaper]

It's not hard to imagine toxic family members, but usually there's estrangement as a result and not continual contact.
I like to think that, in spite of people's issues, there is kind intention rooted in their curiosity.

[gottawonder]

There probably should be estrangement from Trainwreck. I would be a happier person.

[gottawonder]

Also: It's nice that you think Trainwreck spreading poison about my marriage is somehow rooted in kind intentions, but I feel that it's about her being bored, unhappy, and enjoying the little jolt you get when you talk shit about someone else.

At some point, you're going to have to just take my word on this. She does not care about me.