Saturday, August 10
Aug. 11th, 2024 12:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
I didn't get much sleep last night. It's something about having things planned for the next day that makes it hard for me to sleep.
I got up when my husband got up, at around 9 am or so, but I hadn't slept, and was angry at everything. I did get after my Sweetie to do SOMETHING on the house.
Once again, since the soffits and fascia were installed well over a month ago, closer to two, NOTHING has moved ahead on the house, or maybe very small things like putting handles on some cupboards.
Yes, he's been travelling, but you see, what is our plan for continuing to get things done if travelling is a normal part of his job? We have to keep working when he IS home, or plan to have contractors (he refuses, for the work inside, again).
He keeps stalling on working on the future bedroom. Really, really stalling. Three weeks ago I told him to find the tools he would need to cut part of the wall so he could keep laying down flooring, and that never materialized into actually doing anything.
My normal sleep schedule is weird, and I sleep late. Often when I get up, we have to go somewhere on the weekends, but my husband has several hours that he could work in the morning. My husband does not, what he does do is just wastes the entire morning on the computer. Yes, I understand about him needing down time, but he never thinks about what can really be accomplished if you just do a few hours of work every day, steadily. That we MUST keep working on the house in small bursts (since we never have big windows of time anymore), or it will never be done.
He rarely is self motivating any more. I have to pretty much tell him that he is going to do something, then push and push and push until he starts something. Then, the moment I look away, he goes back to doing nothing at home.
At work, he works because there is a whole system telling him what to do, and how to do it, and when to have it done by, and you know what? He gets things done. He doesn't have a supervisor at home. It used to be his own motivation to get things done, but not anymore. If I am not looming over him, it no longer happens.
It puts me in a bad position, because I hate being that person, and he never appreciates it. So, sometimes I don't say anything for a few weeks. You know what happens? Nothing. Nothing at all. He assumes I guess, that everything is done? I don't know. He knows it's not done. He just waits for me to be angry.
It's not even going to happen if I'm nice about it. Nope. I have to get angry. It sucks.
He did go cut the wall, but I don't think he even removed the area that he cut. Just made the cut. Sigh.
I tried to go back to sleep, and it didn't amount to anything.
We went to the city to go to the art gallery, and we met up with the same friend who came here to go kayaking last weekend, because we keep saying we'll meet her at the gallery, and never do. So I figured we needed to make it happen.
It was nice, and I think she enjoyed herself. By now we have seen everything currently on display, but she hasn't seen any of it. Her interest was pretty casual, and I was a bit surprised that she didn't even seem that familiar with the Group of Seven, but I guess that's the average person for you.
Then we went to a Caribbean festival taking place in the "square" outside the art gallery. It was crowded, loud, and we probably missed all the fun stuff (there was a parade or something earlier). By the time we went is was just loud canned music and some vendor booths, people milling around.
It was a bit shocking to see women who were obviously dancers walking around in their dance costumes, which were super skimpy. I don't know what a traditional Caribbean costume would be, but it probably isn't "Vegas Stripper". It seemed out of place in a crowd of people dressed in everyday clothes. It's like if there was one guy in a Speedo at the mall, just jarring and inappropriate.
Our friend at that point was overwhelmed by everything (she gets tired really easily these days), and went into a strange shutdown mode where she wasn't really "there". It was odd to see. She decided she needed to go home, which is fine. It's good that she understands her limits.
We went for supper with a couple that my husband has known since high school. The husband is an education specialist, and the wife is a veterinarian.
It was a good visit, but I'm wondering if the veterinarian has become too used to putting animals down as part of her work. A couple of her comments came off as being in the vein of "why go through all of that, just giving an animal a good death is an okay choice too", as opposed to pursuing treatment for animals of "low value" like gerbils or laying hens.
Her comment was part of a conversation where she asked me why I don't have chickens. A LOT OF PEOPLE seem to think I need to have chickens (they're a giant pain in the ass, we had them when I was growing up). Part of my not wanting chickens is because if they get sick in any way, you pretty much can't get any veterinary help for them unless it's just something like lice. No one treats illness in hens, and if they get sick, either you just kill them yourself, or take them to a separate spot to die on their own. That's pretty much all anyone will do for a chicken, and I don't want to even get started with them if that's how it's going to be.
So that's what I said to her. I don't like that you can't help them if they get sick, because all they'll do is die. She replied with "all things die" and I said "yes, but I always feel like there's something that should be done to try to help them live", which is when she came back with the "well, you can always just give them a good death and bury them".
She missed the whole point. I would want to save them, and I would suffer from how much I would care about them dying, and I couldn't kill them, etc. I don't think she really understood that I WOULD CARE ABOUT THEM, in a world that does not.
I made a comment that I passed off as a joke, but it wasn't. I basically said "well, maybe you aren't a vet I would go to, then". I mean, it's her JOB to help people take care of their animals, not to just sigh and say "well, maybe just death, then. It's cheaper and easier than treatment".
She's always been a bit "hard boiled", which maybe you have to be, but I think you can reach a point where you also lose compassion for the animals, and for their owners. That doesn't make a person a good veterinarian anymore.
This very attitude is why I am never going to be 100% on board with assisted death. I have the feeling that if we get comfortable with that as a "solution" for complicated illnesses or it will affect how we treat our elderly. I am afraid that would stop trying to find cures and therapies and just start shrugging and saying "there's nothing wrong with a good death". We're going to forget that prolonging someone's life by a few more months, or a few more years (which can also sometimes result in amazing recoveries, or remissions that last a long time). Especially if we start thinking of some people as being "of low value" (because humans NEVER think of other people that way, right?).
You can't ask a medical system to make that choice available, without the risk of it becoming normalized, and the staff becoming callous and lacking in compassion. To forget the value of life and living.
I do feel that there ARE times when assisted death is probably for the best, just the same as I have needed to give that to our beloved animals. WHEN THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING LEFT FOR THEM BUT SUFFERING.
Yet, if you can always just offer someone death, where is the motive to keep trying harder to find cures and therapies? You just KNOW that for the poor all they would get is the option of euthanization. We'd NEVER end up abusing it in terms of race or nationality or political affiliation or religion, right?
Moving on.
Then my Sweetie and I went to the book store and found a few things, and headed home.
That felt like a lot of socializing in one day, but the couple were people we hadn't seen in a LONG time, a few years, and it was starting to feel bad since we were in the city all the time. You have to make an effort.
I didn't get much sleep last night. It's something about having things planned for the next day that makes it hard for me to sleep.
I got up when my husband got up, at around 9 am or so, but I hadn't slept, and was angry at everything. I did get after my Sweetie to do SOMETHING on the house.
Once again, since the soffits and fascia were installed well over a month ago, closer to two, NOTHING has moved ahead on the house, or maybe very small things like putting handles on some cupboards.
Yes, he's been travelling, but you see, what is our plan for continuing to get things done if travelling is a normal part of his job? We have to keep working when he IS home, or plan to have contractors (he refuses, for the work inside, again).
He keeps stalling on working on the future bedroom. Really, really stalling. Three weeks ago I told him to find the tools he would need to cut part of the wall so he could keep laying down flooring, and that never materialized into actually doing anything.
My normal sleep schedule is weird, and I sleep late. Often when I get up, we have to go somewhere on the weekends, but my husband has several hours that he could work in the morning. My husband does not, what he does do is just wastes the entire morning on the computer. Yes, I understand about him needing down time, but he never thinks about what can really be accomplished if you just do a few hours of work every day, steadily. That we MUST keep working on the house in small bursts (since we never have big windows of time anymore), or it will never be done.
He rarely is self motivating any more. I have to pretty much tell him that he is going to do something, then push and push and push until he starts something. Then, the moment I look away, he goes back to doing nothing at home.
At work, he works because there is a whole system telling him what to do, and how to do it, and when to have it done by, and you know what? He gets things done. He doesn't have a supervisor at home. It used to be his own motivation to get things done, but not anymore. If I am not looming over him, it no longer happens.
It puts me in a bad position, because I hate being that person, and he never appreciates it. So, sometimes I don't say anything for a few weeks. You know what happens? Nothing. Nothing at all. He assumes I guess, that everything is done? I don't know. He knows it's not done. He just waits for me to be angry.
It's not even going to happen if I'm nice about it. Nope. I have to get angry. It sucks.
He did go cut the wall, but I don't think he even removed the area that he cut. Just made the cut. Sigh.
I tried to go back to sleep, and it didn't amount to anything.
We went to the city to go to the art gallery, and we met up with the same friend who came here to go kayaking last weekend, because we keep saying we'll meet her at the gallery, and never do. So I figured we needed to make it happen.
It was nice, and I think she enjoyed herself. By now we have seen everything currently on display, but she hasn't seen any of it. Her interest was pretty casual, and I was a bit surprised that she didn't even seem that familiar with the Group of Seven, but I guess that's the average person for you.
Then we went to a Caribbean festival taking place in the "square" outside the art gallery. It was crowded, loud, and we probably missed all the fun stuff (there was a parade or something earlier). By the time we went is was just loud canned music and some vendor booths, people milling around.
It was a bit shocking to see women who were obviously dancers walking around in their dance costumes, which were super skimpy. I don't know what a traditional Caribbean costume would be, but it probably isn't "Vegas Stripper". It seemed out of place in a crowd of people dressed in everyday clothes. It's like if there was one guy in a Speedo at the mall, just jarring and inappropriate.
Our friend at that point was overwhelmed by everything (she gets tired really easily these days), and went into a strange shutdown mode where she wasn't really "there". It was odd to see. She decided she needed to go home, which is fine. It's good that she understands her limits.
We went for supper with a couple that my husband has known since high school. The husband is an education specialist, and the wife is a veterinarian.
It was a good visit, but I'm wondering if the veterinarian has become too used to putting animals down as part of her work. A couple of her comments came off as being in the vein of "why go through all of that, just giving an animal a good death is an okay choice too", as opposed to pursuing treatment for animals of "low value" like gerbils or laying hens.
Her comment was part of a conversation where she asked me why I don't have chickens. A LOT OF PEOPLE seem to think I need to have chickens (they're a giant pain in the ass, we had them when I was growing up). Part of my not wanting chickens is because if they get sick in any way, you pretty much can't get any veterinary help for them unless it's just something like lice. No one treats illness in hens, and if they get sick, either you just kill them yourself, or take them to a separate spot to die on their own. That's pretty much all anyone will do for a chicken, and I don't want to even get started with them if that's how it's going to be.
So that's what I said to her. I don't like that you can't help them if they get sick, because all they'll do is die. She replied with "all things die" and I said "yes, but I always feel like there's something that should be done to try to help them live", which is when she came back with the "well, you can always just give them a good death and bury them".
She missed the whole point. I would want to save them, and I would suffer from how much I would care about them dying, and I couldn't kill them, etc. I don't think she really understood that I WOULD CARE ABOUT THEM, in a world that does not.
I made a comment that I passed off as a joke, but it wasn't. I basically said "well, maybe you aren't a vet I would go to, then". I mean, it's her JOB to help people take care of their animals, not to just sigh and say "well, maybe just death, then. It's cheaper and easier than treatment".
She's always been a bit "hard boiled", which maybe you have to be, but I think you can reach a point where you also lose compassion for the animals, and for their owners. That doesn't make a person a good veterinarian anymore.
This very attitude is why I am never going to be 100% on board with assisted death. I have the feeling that if we get comfortable with that as a "solution" for complicated illnesses or it will affect how we treat our elderly. I am afraid that would stop trying to find cures and therapies and just start shrugging and saying "there's nothing wrong with a good death". We're going to forget that prolonging someone's life by a few more months, or a few more years (which can also sometimes result in amazing recoveries, or remissions that last a long time). Especially if we start thinking of some people as being "of low value" (because humans NEVER think of other people that way, right?).
You can't ask a medical system to make that choice available, without the risk of it becoming normalized, and the staff becoming callous and lacking in compassion. To forget the value of life and living.
I do feel that there ARE times when assisted death is probably for the best, just the same as I have needed to give that to our beloved animals. WHEN THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING LEFT FOR THEM BUT SUFFERING.
Yet, if you can always just offer someone death, where is the motive to keep trying harder to find cures and therapies? You just KNOW that for the poor all they would get is the option of euthanization. We'd NEVER end up abusing it in terms of race or nationality or political affiliation or religion, right?
Moving on.
Then my Sweetie and I went to the book store and found a few things, and headed home.
That felt like a lot of socializing in one day, but the couple were people we hadn't seen in a LONG time, a few years, and it was starting to feel bad since we were in the city all the time. You have to make an effort.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-12 05:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-08-12 06:52 am (UTC)I did sit down today with him for a planning session, and thankfully he seemed okay with it as it didn't quite feel like me dictating a list of demands to him.
I made sure that it was the both of us seeing what tasks we could address, and how we would do so, and clearly stated whose job it would be to do which tasks, whether it was a phone call or researching material or actual labor.
It seems doable. I really hope he can stay with me on this, because we both deserve to have a nice home, right?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-12 06:12 pm (UTC)Here, I have a preference for a relaxed, quirky but orderly-looking home, without need for serious repair, and with spots of personalised graciousness or beauty (i.e.nice bookcases full of books, objets and framed art). The denizens (including Mungo) don't give two hoots about that and have been very clear they could be happy in a single room with a cup of water and a blanket.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-12 09:27 pm (UTC)I feel that the difference, is that he feels he can get things done any time he feels like it.
I feel powerless most of the time.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-13 06:53 am (UTC)Dag nabbit - I did not order paint. I went to Winners and bought irresistible goodies.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-13 10:21 pm (UTC)So much of it is beyond my own scope, and depends entirely on my husband actually doing the work, or being willing to hire people to do it.
What gets me, is no single thing gets finished ALL THE WAY in a timely manner.
We might get in a light fixture in a room, but move on to install something in a different room, and buy lino for another area, and paint somewhere else, then get a bit more done on the exterior, but it takes years for one room to be totally finished, and rarely do we get things like baseboards done EVER.
We can sometimes function in an area, and when that happens, aesthetic finishing touches go out the door.
We are very close (but notice how I say not finished) to being done in the small entry way that was SO AWFUL. We had to almost build a wall and corner out of plaster putty, since so much of it had crumbled away. It looks much better now, and it's less depressing to have the "first impression" look like a real room in a real house and not a crumbling, abandoned looking hole that you have to crawl through to get to the kitchen.
I'm trying to keep the pressure on, and be helpful where I can be in terms of making calls and so on.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-14 01:58 am (UTC)I don't understand why (some) people can be content with barely adequate living situations that could easily be improved. By hiring! Or by doing! There, rant over.
There's a ceiling fixture I bought three summers ago that I knew would never be installed in the studio. I will come up with an idea to do it, but first I will learn to repair a bathroom wall and reinstall a towel bar that was loose for a year and fell out a month ago.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-14 06:55 am (UTC)I just would rather do other things. Spend time with my horses, go biking, paint, read.
I look around, and there's work to be done in every single room of the house. Painting, fixing cracks, or a complete overhaul. It's overwhelming.
I do work on the house, but not enough. If I got up every single day and put in a few hours, I suppose I might finally get somewhere with it.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-14 07:12 am (UTC)Some animals (squirrels?) lopped off several cedar branches, so I did the Martha thing and put them in a pretty silvered vase along with sedum stems. That and sanding were enough niceties for the day.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-13 05:19 pm (UTC)However, what they actually experience is up to the whims of their doctors. At one point I worked on an oncology unit with a 35-year-old patient dying from cancer of the jaw and mouth. His jaw had been completely removed, and he was actively dying in considerable pain. His physician would not increase his pain medicine because he was concerned that the patient "would get addicted to it."
The patient was terminal. It blew my mind.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-13 10:01 pm (UTC)I agree that doctors have a lot of control over how a person will experience death, the options they are given, whether or not they get visitors at the end, whether they are informed of options such as being moved to palliative care, having professional doulas, etc.
Maybe the bigger issue, is whether or not people are aware of all of their options, and have some agency in how they will spend their last days.